Four by Jarko De Witte van Leeuwen: “Bill”
This column is dedicated to all the brave people who fight for equal rights for GLBT people and couples, and who don’t give up the fight in times of hardship.
Bill
We were in our car, driving to the place where a video conference would link us to the family court of Camden County, Pennsylvania for the finalization hearing regarding the adoption of our son Wolf, when I got this SMS from Philip: ‘Yay, we did it! The Senate has passed the bill!’ Two simple sentences that brought silence to my heart, and a smile to my face. “The Senate has passed the bill, Jos,” I said to my husband. It was raining and he was focusing on the road.
“Finally! That’s great, honey,” he replied. No explosion of joy, but a calm and satisfied statement. With the emphasis on “finally.” It was exactly what I felt. What a day! In a couple of hours we would be officially the parents of Wolf, a joint adoption by a same sex couple. And I get this SMS, that brings an end to six years of political lobbying, interviews to the media, and information gatherings for prospective same sex adoptive parents. ‘THE bill’ is the law change that finally legalizes joint international adoption by same sex couples living in The Netherlands. It was one of the last explicit discriminations against gay people in the Dutch law stipulating that same sex couples could not jointly adopt from abroad. In 2001, same sex marriage was legalized and supposedly also adoption by same sex couples. Jos and I got married on September 1 of that year, and returned from our honeymoon to the wonderful Greek island of Lesbos, and started our adoption journey. Finally we would realize our dream of many years to become a family through adoption! What a damper it was when the Dutch adoption authorities informed us that we could not jointly adopt. At least, not internationally.
“There are just no possibilities for homosexuals to adopt from abroad. You could try domestic adoption. But with only fifty children available for adoption every year for the entire country, and given the fact that most birth mothers are from a foreign not too gay friendly cultural background, I wouldn’t count on it,” officials told us.
“Well, we’ll see about that,” I said and hung up the phone. I was indignant, and felt misled by official governmental publications stating that adoption would become possible. But they only referred to domestic adoption. And with fifty adoptions taking place annually and a pool of thousands and thousands of waiting adoptive families we did the math. We decided to explore the possibilities ourselves and soon found out that adoption by same sex couples was far from uncommon in the United States. Several states have legalized joint adoption in their state family law, others left room for interpretation, and just a few had a legal prohibition against it.
We love the US, and like its people, so we decided to go for it. However, the only way for us to officially start our adoption procedure was to fill in a form for a single parent adoption. On the very same form we had to mark that we were married. We had to sign both and take every next step as a couple: the obligatory adoption training course, the medical exams, the home study, the no criminal record screening. The only thing we couldn’t do as a couple was the actual adoption of our child. Correction: the adoption of our child according to Dutch law. I remember the anger I felt when filling out Jos’ name as the single parent. It hurt me so much, but I wouldn’t let this come in the way of realizing our dream. If I did, discrimination would have won.
At the same time I took the decision that I would not just sit by the sidelines and have this happen to us.
So I wrote a letter. A letter to the House of Representatives educating them that joint adoption by same sex couples was still not fully legalized in The Netherlands, and that this was an outrage. It meant that our children would not have two juridical parents. How could that ever be in the interest of a child? I wrote that the adoption authorities give incomplete information, and that it is absolutely untrue to claim that there are no possibilities for adoption by ‘us people’ abroad. I demanded nothing less than that this discriminatory clause be eliminated from the law. I added a list with states in the US that had legalized joint adoption. I had found it on the Internet on the Human Rights Campaign website. That’s also where I found a list of gay friendly adoption agencies. I had all the information in one afternoon. Anyone could have done it. I got one reply to my letter. From a representative who currently works in New York for Human Rights Watch. Of all 150 representatives I got one listening ear that was willing to accept new information. Poor him 
. I bombarded him with anything that I could find that would make our case stronger. He had a political assistant, Philip. Philip was actually my target. It was he who fed clear-cut information to his member of parliament. Philip and I became true allies, and thus were able to create a continued line in the political lobby when new members of parliament and new governments came. Nearly two years after my first letter a vast majority of the Dutch House of Representatives supported a motion calling for a law amendment enabling joint adoption. But the responsible State Secretary of Justice and his party didn’t feel like it. Meanwhile I had connections with representatives of most political parties and I got the public support from several national adoptive parents organizations and institutions like the Council for Child Wellfare. One of the adoptive organizations even asked me to form a same sex adoption task force, since they saw a growing number of same sex couples wanting to adopt. But they had no information how to. I gladly took upon me this assignment, and organized several information sessions and social meetings. The political fight continued. We had to convince one of the major conservative parties to support our case. So I ventured into the lion’s den, and met with them. I guess it helped that we are a Christian gay family. In September 2005 we adopted our daughter Arwen, and she was baptised that same year in the Great Church of Dordrecht. It was the first time in the church’s centuries old history that a same sex couple held their child at the baptismal font. It was new and it created a buzz, but we were and are surrounded by a blanket of kind and caring people in our church community. I took pictures of our family and of the baptism with me to the meetings with the political parties to melt their hearts. It sometimes worked . I showed them there is social support for us, also in church communities. Meanwhile adoption by same sex couples caught the eye of the media. In March 2005 the State Secretary had announced that he would change the law, but wouldn’t make it a priority. That day Jos and I made news headlines all over the world. A photographer of Associated Press was all it took. All of a sudden the picture of us waiting by the – at that time still empty – cradle in our blue and yellow painted nursery room popped up on internet pages in South Africa, Indonesia, the USA, Bulgaria, Spain. You can still find some remnant internet pages when you Google our names.
The State Secretary kept his word, alas, and made no haste. He had to leave by a motion of no confidence in Parliament. Fortunately, the interim State Secretary was of a liberal party and she did initiate the law change. But the government had to resign, and a new one had to be chosen. New puppets were sitting on the seats in Parliament, who all had to be educated. Finally, in June 2007 the bill was passed by a 95% majority in the House of Representatives. We – a number of (prospective) gay adoptive families and their gorgeous babies – cheered from the public balcony. What a glorious day. Only, the new State Secretary of Justice was again of the same conservative party, and he ordered that a committee had to look into this matter first. Another delay. Another year and a half passed. Meanwhile Jos and I adopted our second child, our son Wolf, in February of this year. Just like it was the case with the adoption of our daughter Arwen, it was a joint adoption according to US law. In June of this year I visited Parliament with representatives of the US adoption agencies that Dutch same sex couples work with. So the politicians could hear their testimonial, their side of the story. And I appeared in front of the committee that was installed by the State Secretary.
And finally, on October 21, 2008, the day that we heard this impressive African American judge of the Camden County family court pronounce the final joint adoption of our son by video conference, on that day, we hear the Senate has passed the bill. The bill will become an act, effective as per January 2009. I stared at the SMS message on my cell with mixed emotions. Glad that we have finally won. Sad that it had to take seven years and that it is probably too late to benefit from it ourselves.
Wow, haven’t the past seven years gone by in a blink? Only, if you are right in the middle of them, not knowing when justice will finally prevail, they feel like decades. But we did it. Yes, Philip we did it! We changed the law. Would I do it all over again, now knowing what would come my way? I faced unwilling civil servants playing disgusting power games, insults by ignorant people, hideous remarks by ultra conservative politicians and media, but also the incredible passivity of people who are directly affected, and even unspeakably spiteful actions by envious gay people. Jos knows like no one else what I’m talking about: ‘Finally! That’s great, honey…’. I could have done without the pain, the frustration, and sometimes even the tears. I wish the change of law hadn’t taken so long, so we could have been able to benefit from it ourselves. But we did make history. It started with one letter. Yes we can! So if you asked me: would you do it all over again? I’d say: present me that bill! And I’ll gladly pick up the check.
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About: Jarko De Witte van Leeuwen:
Jarko De Witte van Leeuwen was born as Jarko De Witte on April 1, 1970 in Ghent, Belgium. He studied English and Spanish at the Polytechnic School for Translators and Interpreters in Ghent and graduated cum laude at the University of Antwerp, Belgium. In 1989, at age 19 Jarko met his husband Jos van Leeuwen at the Dutch Gay Pride in Haarlem, The Netherlands. In 1991 they moved in together from their parental homes. For that purpose Jarko moved to Jos’s city of birth: Dordrecht, in The Netherlands. In 1993 Jarko started working as a translator and later on communication consultant with Hewitt Associates. In 1995 he gave up his Belgian nationality and became Dutch. In 2001, the year when same sex marriage was legalized in The Netherlands, Jarko and Jos got married on the day they had been together for exactly twelve years. They decide to merge their family names to De Witte van Leeuwen. After returning from their honeymoon, Jarko started working as a communication consultant and public relations officer to the City Board of his hometown Dordrecht. At the same time they start their adoption journey. Jarko is a driven political lobbyist fighting for joint international adoption rights for same sex couples. In 2007 the Dutch Parliament passes the bill to enable this with an overwhelming 90 percent majority. In September 2005, Jos and Jarko adopt their daughter Arwen at age 1 and a half weeks old. Arwen was born in New York City, NY. In February 2008, they adopt their son Wolf, at age 4 weeks. Wolf was born in Philadelphia, PA. Jarko has written several articles and columns on various topics including adoption and gay parenting for various media. He has recently written and illustrated the children’s book, Arwen and her daddies, about the adoption of their daughter Arwen. Several publishers in The Netherlands, the US and the UK have shown interest. Jarko hopes to have his book published in 2009. Meanwhile, he has started working on other titles. Jarko, Jos, Arwen and Wolf happily live together in their wonderful home in a national monument located at one of the inner harbours in the historic town centre of Dordrecht.
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